When I was a kid, I remember feeling like an outsider. It never felt good. I was quiet, shy and played with just 1-2 kids on the playground. Gradually as I got older, I grew tired of playing during recess and preferred going for walks while reading. I would circle the playground with my nose in a book.
This made me different and I became a target for bullies. I was always just minding my own business, but people would think it was fun to criticize me for reading. Eventually, I stopped caring because I was reading at a level 3-4 grades above my own. I began writing as well, filling up notebooks with silly stories based on the books I read. Kids teased and bullied me. They made me feel like I was different, abnormal and not worth anything. It separated me from others and made me feel like an outcast. And it all started over books! I was not actually different from the other children besides my love of books. From my early days of being bullied, I have developed a higher level of empathy and sympathy for others. I also developed an internalized message that I wasn't good enough. This message has taken years for me to overcome. I merely wanted to feel equal, but the message was "you're different and it is okay to be bullied for it..." Nobody should ever be made to feel inferior. When I see situations today where racism and prejudism exist, I see it as a form of modern-day bullying. When we foster an idea that one group of people is better than another, it is bullying. It creates those same feelings of being separated from others that I felt as a child, but on a larger scale. Think about being told that your marriage is counterfeit. not worthy of being recognized, or that your family is not fit for raising children in. Do you think that those messages are merely external? Or do you think those messages are then internalized? I firmly believe that those statements cause a rift between people which turns into a chasm keeping people from uniting. Now we see situations where riots are happening in Baltimore. Do you think that those riots are merely from one instance of a group of people feeling different? I think that it is from generations of bullying... being treated like outcasts, separate but equal, and our own internalized prejudices against different groups which we perceive as different. Some might say "We should allow civil unions but not marriage." But this is another means of separate but equal. It gives the message "you're just not good enough..." That message is internalized. Gradually, that message is believed by many people. I've seen very good people say unkind things about minorities---that they're just milking the system for welfare checks or that they're all criminals. When we say or think those things, we're bullying. We're deepening that chasm. In actuality, we're not as different as one might think. We all want love, acceptance, and to be treated fairly. Are there ways in which you, maybe even unintentionally, have become a bully in your thoughts and feelings? Maybe we need to remember that deep down, we're all children on a playground wanting acceptance. There's all sorts of news in the media lately...
Gay marriage causes more abortions... Racist police officers... Bullying is using social media... Drug use amongst young kids... ISIS killing people... However, I think there's a more important message which needs to get out there: "What have I done today to make the world a little bit better?" What kindness have you shown to another person to brighten their day? Have you smiled at strangers? Said hello to a lonely old man on the subway? Been friendly for no reason other than to spread happiness? "What have I done to make someone's burden lighter?" Have you done a simple kindness to someone today? Try it. It might only brighten their day for a few minutes, a few hours, or a day... but maybe that small bit of kindness will brighten their world. Ignore the hate messages. Ignore the unkindness. Be the best you can be to make the world brighter. So Indiana's law passes. Within a day or two, a pizza business said it wouldn't cater gay or non-Christian weddings. Indiana lawmakers insist that this is about religious freedom and expression of those beliefs. However, most would see it differently.
We allow legal discrimination and then it happens. No one should be shocked. The business had so many threatening phone calls and messages that they're temporarily closed. Their facebook page has been closed. I don't know how Indiana weddings go since I've only driven through it a few times---but I doubt many people serve pizza at weddings. Unless they're getting married while riding a tractor or something. However, to me, it shows that while this bill is all about "religious freedom" it is a breeding ground for legal discrimination. However, what is also legal are boycotts and ignoring businesses which have values we disagree with. If a business owner wants to discriminate, then the population has the choice to go elsewhere. And they will. If a business decides to be selective with their clientele, then the public has the right to boycott that business. Sorry Memories Pizza. I bet you'll be hit hard for a long time and all because you think its okay to express your religious belief through discrimination. I have been working on my garden for the last couple of weekends. Both my flower and vegetable sides of the garden. I'm really excited by the progress...
This weekend I'll be planting a dozen raspberry plants. I'm excited for this partially because I love raspberries... but also when I was a kid, I would pick raspberries regularly from our bushes and I loved them... eating them warm and fresh was amazing. I feel like this weekend I'm preparing for children in my home by planting these plants... I hope they appreciate them as much as I did as a kid. My family goes back into the early days of the Mormon or Latter-day Saint church. I have ancestors who were friends with Brigham Young, Joseph Smith and Wilford Woodruff. Over the years, you might have heard about Mormons not drinking coffee, black teas and alcohol. Nor do Mormons use drugs or tobacco.
Many people who leave the LDS church then turn to these substances for fun. However, even if I completely apostatized and left the LDS Church, I wouldn't use these things. They hold no interest to me whatsoever... Because I'm Obsessive Compulsive. Addictive substances can be very dangerous to someone with OCD. We have less control over the thoughts we have unless we're on top of those thought patterns. If I allowed myself to drink alcohol, I might get addicted to the feeling I get while drunk and choose to do it more often. That is why I generally avoid addictive substances. I am even bad when it comes to sugar and candy... I LOVE gummy bears and gummy worms. I have eaten over a pound in one day. I love them. Seriously. I eat them until I feel queasy. So I don't even go down the candy aisle! Imagine if I was using drugs which are highly addictive? I'd be a complete mess. There are plenty of people who use addictive substances or participate in addictive behaviors who are not addicted to them. I'm not excusing their behavior nor condemning it. However, for someone with obsessive compulsive tendencies, anything which is addictive can be hazardous. I've had friends tell me that I'd be so funny if I was drunk because I'm already funny in my day-to-day life. However, I think for me, it would be a bad idea for a myriad of reasons. I'd rather not lose control and spiral. I know what that is like to lose control over my thoughts---I wouldn't want to lose control over my body and mind completely while intoxicated. It wouldn't provide me any level of comfort. That is why my monthly house-parties are addictive-substance free... besides my homemade cheesecakes and cookies. :) I talked to an acquaintance yesterday online through some email correspondence. Usual topics of conversation, but then he paid me a compliment:
"You're always thinking of others. Every time I talk to you, you're doing something nice for someone else." I never consciously think about helping other people, but I guess it is in my nature to be a helpful person. I like being needed, I like being kind. When I was a kid, I was knicknamed "Big Bad Brad" by my older siblings. I HATED it. I still don't like it. I remember as a kid, I always said "No, I want to be nice! I don't want to be bad!" I like being helpful and nice to those around me. I don't think I necessarily choose to be kind all the time... maybe it is just my personality? We use the nature vs. nurture argument to discuss sexuality, but couldn't we also use it to discuss someone's natural ability to be kind and caring vs. mean and nasty? Do you consciously think about helping people? Or is it so engrained into your psyche that you do it without thinking or noticing? Thank you to everyone who has liked, shared or commented to me (publicly and privately) about my previous obsessive compulsive disorder.
I think with any mental disorder, however mild or serious, the fear of discussing it openly brings a level of shame to it. What is shameful about something which one didn't choose in their life? I truly believe that things like mental disorders can be influenced very heavily on genetics. I do believe that other members of my family have obsessive compulsive disorder in milder forms than mine. I might have just gotten the bulk of the OCD genes from the pool. Story time: When I was a student at BYU, I became obsessed with my appearance. It was what I thought was one of the only things I brought worthwhile to the world, in an odd way. However, I thought I was only attractive if I followed certain rules. My clothes had to fit right. I had to wear certain types of clothing. I would not leave the house unless I was looking flawless. If I had any flaws---whether it was wearing a not as flattering pair of jeans or my hair was messy, I would have crippling fears of what people were thinking of me. My belief on my appearance went from waking up thinking I looked pretty good to then believing I was a hideous beast... all from wearing jeans which didn't fit right. I had rules which I followed for my fashion tastes. Most were ridiculous. I sometimes would choose outfits and spend an hour of my day. I lived for compliments when I was told how nice I looked. It really made my day. It made me feel like I was worthy of attention... after all, how many people spent the time on their appearance that I did? What we realized was that my obsessions, compulsions and anxiety over my appearance were a sign about my own worth. What I told myself cognitively was that my worth was only based on my appearance. He asked me once if I would be happy to get a gold brick handed to him. I told him of course---gold bricks are worth a lot of money. Then, he asked if I would be happy getting a gold brick covered in garbage---rotten eggs and such----I told him that I would still take it because the worth of the gold brick is the same. My therapist and I talked a lot about this issue. He challenged me to break my rules. He asked me to buy a sweatshirt. One of my rules---and it still is a rule of mine---is that I don't wear sweatshirts or sweatpants. I think they're hideous and only appropriate for... well, never actually. He challenged me to buy a BYU Sweatshirt. So I went to the BYU Bookstore and literally tried on any which I could tolerate. I found one which wasn't super large, more fitted, and looked decent. He then challenged me to wear it... so I started wearing it at home, then in public to places I didn't know anyone and likely wouldn't bump into anyone I knew (I think I went to Albertson's) and then finally to BYU campus. To this day, I love being complimented. But I realize that my worth is the same whether I am wearing Calvin Klein or a pair of old jeans from Target. And I still own that same hoodie sweatshirt from BYU... its the only sweatshirt I own. A lot of people know this about me because I've talked about it, but I have never shared openly what an episode of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is like---both how it starts, what it is like during, and then how it ends.
Back in college, I was diagnosed with OCD but I hadn't really realized it was an issue in my life prior to then. To me, life had rules and rules were followed---those rules might include organizing my dinner plates by color in a pattern. They might include details of my appearance or having my DVD's organized alphabetically. Many people say "I'm so OCD about that!" but it is not something to scoff at or make light of. Just because you have a preference for the toilet paper to go one way does not make you obsessive compulsive over it. If you leave the bathroom and think about that toilet paper so much that you cannot function until it is changed, then yes... you might actually have OCD. I am pretty good at diagnosing it since I experience at least a small part of it everyday. I don't know what really triggered it this morning---usually it is stress, lack of sleep, lack of food... those sorts of things. Because I am also hypoglycemic and have sleep issues (I tend to be an insomniac) my OCD can get a little skewed on occasion. This morning I had one of the worst episodes of the last 6 months. Normally, I control it completely without outside influence. I stop the patterns right away, but sometimes I lose control. That begins what I call an OCD episode. Sometimes I will even say "I'm feeling really OCD right now..." which actually helps me to stop the triggers and the patterns. It started out with me losing my wallet. I hunted everywhere. I traced my steps from the night before, checking couch cushions, my car, the floor, every table and counter... anywhere I went. That got me thinking about how hard it would be to replace my cards. My cash. My license. My money. I always set my wallet, phone, etc. in certain places so they don't get lost. I HATE losing things. That made me late for work. I skipped breakfast since I had to run... so grabbed moderately healthy snacks on the way in the pantry. "Why are you late again, Brad? What is wrong with you?" began going through my head. Then thoughts about money creep in---if I'm late for work, I could lose my job. I don't make enough money as it is, so then I would lose out on my job and have difficulty paying my house mortgage. Where would I get the money? After getting to work, I find out that my optional work-party is serving Cafe Rio. Fast food is bad---full of calories. "You're already fat, Brad... more calories would kill you." I don't eat fast food... Ideas that I'm morbidly obese flood my brain. Wondering if I am worthless because of my weight issues... can I control them? What if I keep gaining weight? I'd have to buy new clothes since my old ones wouldn't fit. More money. More issues. And my job? Am I really loved? What if people tell me I'm attractive and loved but it is just a charade. Possibly to mask their feelings about my weight. Wonder if they think I'm even worth talking to or having around. Gosh, I'm hungry. But I shouldn't buy lunch until 1:45 when late lunch comes. Its less money. Saving money is good. Less spent, more for bills, more for savings, more for the house... But I'm hungry. Drink some water. Water is better than most things since it fills you and there's no calories. Calories are bad. And buying lunch now would be too expensive compared to in an hour... My team members have that party. Its group games. Geez. Hate group games. Standing in front of people. They'll think I'm fat. And I hate group games. Feel stupid playing games in front of people. Silly Mormon games. Hated FHE at BYU since it was just dumb Mormon party games. Minute to win-it. Get-to-know-you crap. No one likes that. And the food is fast food. Mormons eat tons of fast food. Thats why they're fat. But I don't eat fast food... So why am I fat? Must be genetic. Probably from my family... Am I crazy? Should I be on medication? What happens if I go to an asylum...? Who would take care of Prince? ... I hope that by now you can see that this is a downward spiral of very illogically linked thought patterns. There's way more to it than what I put here. It is a circular thought pattern, cycling through various topics on repeat... I cannot stop them completely on my own, usually. So I turn to someone I trust who I know won't lie to me. Imagine those thought patterns and many others zipping through a brain like a train. They don't make sense, they're fast-moving... My power to stop them is about as strong as a tissue paper ribbon used to stop a speeding train. I ended up not going to the party and remained at work... I sat and worked while my thoughts spiraled down, making them harder to remove and stop. My therapist taught me a trick, though. I have to tell myself that it is all ridiculous and illogical. The thought patterns DON'T make sense. They don't string together in a normal way. And my conclusions based on those thoughts are absurd... Being a little overweight doesn't make me morbidly obese. Nor would losing a wallet mean the end of my job. However, when I'm already hungry, tired and stressed, I don't have the natural blocking parts of my brain functioning in order to think clearly and logically. When I finally snap out of the thinking, it is almost like... clouds part a little. Sunshine comes into a cloudy and rainy world. I can collect my thoughts and eventually the skies are clear and normal. My anxiety goes down, my thoughts turn very logical, and I feel much more at peace. Obsessive compulsive disorder is not a joke and it is not something to laugh about. It is as real of a disorder as depression, anxiety, being bipolar... Most people don't talk about it which means that likely MANY out there struggle with thought patterns which they have little control over. That is obsessive compulsive disorder, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. Recently some news articles broke out about parents torturing and then killing their child because he played with dolls. There have been other similar cases in the past. A woman who killed her toddler because he was effeminate. Parents who beat their son because he liked to wear his sister's dresses...
Our news and social media circuits are inundated with news like this. Well, I have a confession... I used to play with dolls as a kid. Let me explain: I like dolls, but I also like playing with "boy toys" too. I didn't really do a lot with brushing their hair and making them pretty compared to wanting to use them with my other toys. What I liked about playing with Barbie and Ken dolls were that they were human as opposed to animals or something. I could have them go on adventures. I could create a "tree house" or a castle out of boxes for them to live in. (I loved being creative as a kid and would make whole cities out of cardboard boxes.) I remember being very little and wanting a Cabbage patch. I remember my mom buying me some of them as a kid. Somewhere, likely in my parents' current toy room for the grandchildren, sit those Cabbage patch kids (I should see if they're worth anything now, years later!) But I also played with basketballs on the court in the backyard. I liked to climb trees, dig in the sandbox, run around, play kickball, read, use my imagination, etc. ALL the things kids should be doing. So my question is: What is so bad about a little boy playing with dolls? I grew up and became a decent guy. If you have a son who plays with dolls, love him---encourage him---don't tell him he's not worth anything. Don't force him to play with other toys. |
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