A lot of people know this about me because I've talked about it, but I have never shared openly what an episode of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is like---both how it starts, what it is like during, and then how it ends.
Back in college, I was diagnosed with OCD but I hadn't really realized it was an issue in my life prior to then. To me, life had rules and rules were followed---those rules might include organizing my dinner plates by color in a pattern. They might include details of my appearance or having my DVD's organized alphabetically. Many people say "I'm so OCD about that!" but it is not something to scoff at or make light of. Just because you have a preference for the toilet paper to go one way does not make you obsessive compulsive over it. If you leave the bathroom and think about that toilet paper so much that you cannot function until it is changed, then yes... you might actually have OCD. I am pretty good at diagnosing it since I experience at least a small part of it everyday.
I don't know what really triggered it this morning---usually it is stress, lack of sleep, lack of food... those sorts of things. Because I am also hypoglycemic and have sleep issues (I tend to be an insomniac) my OCD can get a little skewed on occasion.
This morning I had one of the worst episodes of the last 6 months. Normally, I control it completely without outside influence. I stop the patterns right away, but sometimes I lose control. That begins what I call an OCD episode. Sometimes I will even say "I'm feeling really OCD right now..." which actually helps me to stop the triggers and the patterns.
It started out with me losing my wallet. I hunted everywhere. I traced my steps from the night before, checking couch cushions, my car, the floor, every table and counter... anywhere I went. That got me thinking about how hard it would be to replace my cards. My cash. My license. My money. I always set my wallet, phone, etc. in certain places so they don't get lost. I HATE losing things.
That made me late for work. I skipped breakfast since I had to run... so grabbed moderately healthy snacks on the way in the pantry. "Why are you late again, Brad? What is wrong with you?" began going through my head. Then thoughts about money creep in---if I'm late for work, I could lose my job. I don't make enough money as it is, so then I would lose out on my job and have difficulty paying my house mortgage. Where would I get the money?
After getting to work, I find out that my optional work-party is serving Cafe Rio. Fast food is bad---full of calories. "You're already fat, Brad... more calories would kill you." I don't eat fast food...
Ideas that I'm morbidly obese flood my brain. Wondering if I am worthless because of my weight issues... can I control them? What if I keep gaining weight? I'd have to buy new clothes since my old ones wouldn't fit. More money. More issues. And my job?
Am I really loved? What if people tell me I'm attractive and loved but it is just a charade. Possibly to mask their feelings about my weight. Wonder if they think I'm even worth talking to or having around.
Gosh, I'm hungry. But I shouldn't buy lunch until 1:45 when late lunch comes. Its less money. Saving money is good. Less spent, more for bills, more for savings, more for the house...
But I'm hungry. Drink some water. Water is better than most things since it fills you and there's no calories. Calories are bad. And buying lunch now would be too expensive compared to in an hour...
My team members have that party. Its group games. Geez. Hate group games. Standing in front of people. They'll think I'm fat. And I hate group games. Feel stupid playing games in front of people. Silly Mormon games. Hated FHE at BYU since it was just dumb Mormon party games. Minute to win-it. Get-to-know-you crap. No one likes that. And the food is fast food. Mormons eat tons of fast food. Thats why they're fat. But I don't eat fast food... So why am I fat? Must be genetic. Probably from my family...
Am I crazy? Should I be on medication? What happens if I go to an asylum...? Who would take care of Prince? ...
I hope that by now you can see that this is a downward spiral of very illogically linked thought patterns. There's way more to it than what I put here. It is a circular thought pattern, cycling through various topics on repeat... I cannot stop them completely on my own, usually. So I turn to someone I trust who I know won't lie to me. Imagine those thought patterns and many others zipping through a brain like a train. They don't make sense, they're fast-moving... My power to stop them is about as strong as a tissue paper ribbon used to stop a speeding train.
I ended up not going to the party and remained at work... I sat and worked while my thoughts spiraled down, making them harder to remove and stop.
My therapist taught me a trick, though. I have to tell myself that it is all ridiculous and illogical. The thought patterns DON'T make sense. They don't string together in a normal way. And my conclusions based on those thoughts are absurd... Being a little overweight doesn't make me morbidly obese. Nor would losing a wallet mean the end of my job. However, when I'm already hungry, tired and stressed, I don't have the natural blocking parts of my brain functioning in order to think clearly and logically.
When I finally snap out of the thinking, it is almost like... clouds part a little. Sunshine comes into a cloudy and rainy world. I can collect my thoughts and eventually the skies are clear and normal. My anxiety goes down, my thoughts turn very logical, and I feel much more at peace.
Obsessive compulsive disorder is not a joke and it is not something to laugh about. It is as real of a disorder as depression, anxiety, being bipolar... Most people don't talk about it which means that likely MANY out there struggle with thought patterns which they have little control over. That is obsessive compulsive disorder, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.
Back in college, I was diagnosed with OCD but I hadn't really realized it was an issue in my life prior to then. To me, life had rules and rules were followed---those rules might include organizing my dinner plates by color in a pattern. They might include details of my appearance or having my DVD's organized alphabetically. Many people say "I'm so OCD about that!" but it is not something to scoff at or make light of. Just because you have a preference for the toilet paper to go one way does not make you obsessive compulsive over it. If you leave the bathroom and think about that toilet paper so much that you cannot function until it is changed, then yes... you might actually have OCD. I am pretty good at diagnosing it since I experience at least a small part of it everyday.
I don't know what really triggered it this morning---usually it is stress, lack of sleep, lack of food... those sorts of things. Because I am also hypoglycemic and have sleep issues (I tend to be an insomniac) my OCD can get a little skewed on occasion.
This morning I had one of the worst episodes of the last 6 months. Normally, I control it completely without outside influence. I stop the patterns right away, but sometimes I lose control. That begins what I call an OCD episode. Sometimes I will even say "I'm feeling really OCD right now..." which actually helps me to stop the triggers and the patterns.
It started out with me losing my wallet. I hunted everywhere. I traced my steps from the night before, checking couch cushions, my car, the floor, every table and counter... anywhere I went. That got me thinking about how hard it would be to replace my cards. My cash. My license. My money. I always set my wallet, phone, etc. in certain places so they don't get lost. I HATE losing things.
That made me late for work. I skipped breakfast since I had to run... so grabbed moderately healthy snacks on the way in the pantry. "Why are you late again, Brad? What is wrong with you?" began going through my head. Then thoughts about money creep in---if I'm late for work, I could lose my job. I don't make enough money as it is, so then I would lose out on my job and have difficulty paying my house mortgage. Where would I get the money?
After getting to work, I find out that my optional work-party is serving Cafe Rio. Fast food is bad---full of calories. "You're already fat, Brad... more calories would kill you." I don't eat fast food...
Ideas that I'm morbidly obese flood my brain. Wondering if I am worthless because of my weight issues... can I control them? What if I keep gaining weight? I'd have to buy new clothes since my old ones wouldn't fit. More money. More issues. And my job?
Am I really loved? What if people tell me I'm attractive and loved but it is just a charade. Possibly to mask their feelings about my weight. Wonder if they think I'm even worth talking to or having around.
Gosh, I'm hungry. But I shouldn't buy lunch until 1:45 when late lunch comes. Its less money. Saving money is good. Less spent, more for bills, more for savings, more for the house...
But I'm hungry. Drink some water. Water is better than most things since it fills you and there's no calories. Calories are bad. And buying lunch now would be too expensive compared to in an hour...
My team members have that party. Its group games. Geez. Hate group games. Standing in front of people. They'll think I'm fat. And I hate group games. Feel stupid playing games in front of people. Silly Mormon games. Hated FHE at BYU since it was just dumb Mormon party games. Minute to win-it. Get-to-know-you crap. No one likes that. And the food is fast food. Mormons eat tons of fast food. Thats why they're fat. But I don't eat fast food... So why am I fat? Must be genetic. Probably from my family...
Am I crazy? Should I be on medication? What happens if I go to an asylum...? Who would take care of Prince? ...
I hope that by now you can see that this is a downward spiral of very illogically linked thought patterns. There's way more to it than what I put here. It is a circular thought pattern, cycling through various topics on repeat... I cannot stop them completely on my own, usually. So I turn to someone I trust who I know won't lie to me. Imagine those thought patterns and many others zipping through a brain like a train. They don't make sense, they're fast-moving... My power to stop them is about as strong as a tissue paper ribbon used to stop a speeding train.
I ended up not going to the party and remained at work... I sat and worked while my thoughts spiraled down, making them harder to remove and stop.
My therapist taught me a trick, though. I have to tell myself that it is all ridiculous and illogical. The thought patterns DON'T make sense. They don't string together in a normal way. And my conclusions based on those thoughts are absurd... Being a little overweight doesn't make me morbidly obese. Nor would losing a wallet mean the end of my job. However, when I'm already hungry, tired and stressed, I don't have the natural blocking parts of my brain functioning in order to think clearly and logically.
When I finally snap out of the thinking, it is almost like... clouds part a little. Sunshine comes into a cloudy and rainy world. I can collect my thoughts and eventually the skies are clear and normal. My anxiety goes down, my thoughts turn very logical, and I feel much more at peace.
Obsessive compulsive disorder is not a joke and it is not something to laugh about. It is as real of a disorder as depression, anxiety, being bipolar... Most people don't talk about it which means that likely MANY out there struggle with thought patterns which they have little control over. That is obsessive compulsive disorder, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.